Owning up.

It is good to know others are experiencing the same things as us, who understand our frustrations and pain, the little things that help us, etc. With chronic pain and illness, it gives me hope and perspective. I have often found a bond with people that makes me feel less alone in what I'm going through. 

But then there are the gaps that seem unable to be crossed by any bridge. 

Religion. Substances. Sometimes children. Sometimes the quest for a cure. 

I know we're all different, and I'm not hating on people who are different than I am, or at different points of their journey and education. I'm saying that I feel alienated by concepts that we can't reconcile. And where these concepts are understood, the rest of me isn't. 

It's not that I can't be friends with someone who is sick and has religious beliefs, it's just that they are always going to defer to God for their hope and meaning, what feels like a blockade to honesty and acceptance to me. 

Sometimes, I feel cursed with the isolation of my understanding and acceptance. I can't be there for someone that believes so differently. I wouldn't be a good friend because this divide is so large. In most people's lives, it maybe isn't such a big deal, but when you're chronically ill and in pain, it's more of a constant. 

God isn't going to cure any of us. And I believe that looking for a cure, while noble, is futile, and ignores the actuality of now. It's the same as focusing on getting into heaven, instead of living. My life is worth living, even if I'm in pain, even if I'm sick. I'm not going to deny my life because I want it to be something else. And I kind of need people who are also in this mindset. 

"You don't have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you're holding." - Cheryl Strayed

 While at the pain center fibromyalgia treatment clinic, I saw how differently people can be. How differently the same options for treatment can help or be of no use, depending on your point of view. If you have acceptance for what is, address the reality of being ill, managing symptoms, accept responsibility for your care, there is a lot of help and there are lots of things to learn. If you just want a magic pill, a cure, heaven, you will be miserable and a slave to this idea that things should be another way.

There were some who just wanted to talk medications and complain about pain, and I also find that unhelpful. Now, there's a distinction to be made, between discussing symptoms, and being dramatic about what you're going through, the "woe is me" attitude.  And mostly, I have no room for dramatics because the focus is different, they illicit different responses from others, and fake sympathy, a continuation of an unhelpful conversation, isn't my goal.

The truth is that I am in pain. I ache constantly, but even more so in my heart, to connect with people, a person, who has room in themselves, to understand the reality, and find beauty in life without crutches.